Oh God,

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore! My life is headed in a good direction career wise but everything else seems to be....uncertain. I want so badly to have the things in life that make life meaningful but I just feel like I'm missing something...I know I haven't been trying hard enough to build my relationship with Yod and I know that's what I'm missing...I'll read my bible tonight and I'm going to church Sunday morning.

Dreamworld

The color lyrics are my exact sentiments...


I would be you, you would be me, we would be one, we would be just fine
The ice caps wouldn't be melting and neither would I, mmh
I would just drive my big old car, and everything would be alright
And energy would just fall down right from the sky, yeah

Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mind into your heart, into your life
And everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
My dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream,

Oh the real world just don't feel right
I wouldn't spend my days searching for, searching for lost time, I wouldn't be so damn sensitive, I'd let things go by
No matter what the weather, I'd learn to change, I'd change with the time,

And everytime I need a woman, she'd appear right by me
She hold me tight, treat me right, and tell me that everything is gonna be, is gonna be alright, alright

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld

I would tell Van Gogh that he was loved, there's no need to cry
I would say Marvin Gay your father didn't want you to die (dream)
There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right
We could down in Mississipi and no one would look at us twice,

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream

Soundtrack for the Last 5 to7 days

Flowers in Bloom Robin - Thicke
Russian Roulette - Rhinna
Somebody Come Get Me - Melanie Fiona
Take a Bow - Rhianna
Dreamworld - Robin Thicke
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart - Al Green

added a day later:

Complicated - Robin Thicke

Favorite Piece of Today

There isn't one.

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The Mirror of Erised

The cessation of unnecessary stress. A fully functional and cosmetically appealing 'Blondie.' A stable career that doesn't superimpose itself over my personal time with my family. In due time, a surname that is no longer 'Wade,' and a "belly full of baby." To be surrounded by those whom I love and love me the most.

I most desperately desire a life of peace and love and comfort.

So freakin cute!

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Christmas yay!

 So ready for Christmas! My tree was up two weeks ago, can't wait! I'll take pics later.

P.S. Brandon wants his freakin health care Obama! lmao (he secretly has a man crush on the president. OK OK! I'm the one who has the crush but Brandon's jealous so don't tell him!!!)

Favorite Piece of Today

"I love you"
"I love you more"
I love you to the moon"
"I love you to the end of the universe"
I love you to the end of the multiverse"
[theres no such thing as a multiverse!] "I love you to God and you go any farther than that!"
"I love you to God and back"
"Ok you got me...hehehe. I love you, goodnight"
"I love you too, goodnight."

$2 Hugs?

xoxoxoxo

"...you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you, you'd be like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much, at long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive, you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you..."--Lauren Hill (first song sang to him)

"... you're different and special...you're special in every way imaginable, you love me from my hair follicles to my toenails, you got me feelin like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and me..." --Jill Scott (second song sang to him)

Current Feelings as summed up via response to Jessica's post :-P

You know damn well I don't understand that last sentence...lol

And I hear what you're saying. (there's no "but" to follow)

I also know that my instinct+listening to God has never led me down a path I'm not supposed to be on. Falling hard is what I do when I'm supposed to be on a certain path (regardless of the length of time I'm supposed to be on it). This could very well be a seasonal path for me but that's for time to tell. Right now I'll call it Strength Conditioning...

Punk'd

I really really really hope I'm being punk'd by Ashton Kutcher...but I know I'm not. It seems like regardless of how many new things come into the picture, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MORE! I'm not mad at YOU, I'm mad at the situations that keep coming up! I just cannot understand how these things keep happening...How many bumps and bruises must I take to make this work? I'm a very understanding person, so how much MORE understanding do I have to be for all this to make sense?

PLEASE GOD, take control over this situation, only You know whats best for us.

When? How?

When did all this happen?
How did I find my way into this drama?
When will it all go back to normal?
How does this affect those around me?
When will it be resolved?
How will it be resolved?

When we we learn?

***Beware, Very Obscene Language***

That stupid fucking bitch just called me on my phone with a private fucking number as if I dont have her fucking number?!?!?! What the fuck is wrong with that stupid fucking whore cow dog bitch? I haven't done ANYTHING  to her! Haven't wanted harm to come to her but she just had to be such a stupid bitch and stalk me on fucking facebook! fucking bitch! bitch bitch bitch BITCH BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its not my fault she wants to be with someone that doesnt want her! There are way too many violent thoughts going through my head. Please dont put me in jail for my thoughts but I would LOVE to cut her face up, feed it to a dog, get the left-over pieces and sew them back on with a poison coated needle!

maybe

Maybe I'll study more tonight
Maybe I'll organize my room a bit
Maybe I'll make a budget plan
Maybe I'll find a better job

Maybe I'll bake some pumpkin bread
Maybe I'll be fine.

.........

Fine.

Montage Hodge-podge Collage

First day back to work and I can tell my body just doesn't take long to adjust to being lazy but when its vice versa it yells at me! Time to get back into "work mode" and reverse the process of muscle deterioration...lmao

Halloween came and went like "that," no kids to give candy to, again....and Hillsboro St. was mildly entertaining I guess cuz we got there late. Oh well its not like I was planning on doing anything anyway :)

New Phone!!!! (again lol) I had the best stroke of luck in my frugal living, my 30-day trial period was up on the day the Tour came to us cellular and I miraculously had the money to pay the difference in exchange for it! Yay!

And the withdrawal pains are not backing off, I thought they would but they're not, my human drug is 300 miles away and I wont get another hit until God-knows-when....The good thing is at least he's not illegal! teeheehee

Favorite Piece of today:

B: [can't wait till he sees Adell again]  <---he's always making me smile

Poker Face

Thinking about all the things that go on around us and in us, I realize that we too often times become the poker faces that we put on. Not only are we outwardly inaccessible, we wall ourselves up on the inside as well so even those who SHOULD have access can get in.

Just a thought provoked by Lady Gaga of all people....

Favorite piece of today

BGA********: [misses adell]

Restless

Its 3:40am and I just cannot sleep.  My thoughts are completely taken up and the tv's watchin me, not the otherway around. I've only eaten once today and I had to be reminded that I was hungry, why am I so engulfed and enthralled by this man? What has he done to me that makes me feel like I do?  "Sprung" does not BEGIN to describe what this is! Its overwhelming, its consuming my sleeping time, and its making me forget to eat!

Here it is, a collection of LOVEly quotes...

Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. --Henri Frederic Amiel

A man asked his mother: "How can I find the right women for me?" and she answered, "don’t worry about finding the right woman, concentrate on becoming the right man."--unknown

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. --Mark Overby

Love is a gift from God, and as we obey His laws and genuinely learn to serve others, we develop God's love in our lives. Love of God is the means of unlocking divine powers which help us to live worthily and to overcome the world.--David B. Haight

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.--Mother Teresa

Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.--Lisa Hoffman

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.--Robert Heinlein

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.--Alexander Smith

The last two perfectly reflect my methods of love, which is why they're my favorite :)

LMFMAO!!!!

So Far Away from my Comfort Zone

My life has been disrupted, taken somewhere wonderful then left at a dead end road only to find my way back seemingly alone. No wait, I'm not alone, those two idiots are over there arguing and ignorning me...

Thank you! You have made my day! (large dose of sarcasm)

Its just amazing what tests we are put through to make us more patient, responsible, logical, Christian people. To Ms. S: If you still think you need advice, DON'T try to get it from me.

My poor sick puppy!

He sick and running a fever and drinking water doesn't seem to be working fast enough!

What doesn't kill you....

Makes you retarded! lol just kidding, I learned, he learned, We're all happy. :)

State Fair!!!

So glad I'm back in Raleigh! State Fair is so great, going again Tuesday and Thursday...and Friday...lol Fried Snickers, Fried Pickles and Chocolate Covered Bacon!!! Cant ride the big fast scary rides yet cuz of the stitches :( but still fun to just walk around :)

Took FOREVER to track my company down but it was well worth it. SOOOO much fun goofing off and watching fireworks and freezing our fingers and asses off! lol I just can't wait to do it again.

Aftermath

The surgery went well but man do I look and feel wierd...lol so theres this thing hooked up to me thats draining excess fluids away from the operation site and it cant be removed until wednesday...who's volunteering to give me sponge baths til then? any takers? lol!!!

My throat feels really wierd and I was motion sick for the first time ever...

I asked Mommy if I would dream while I was in surgery and she said no but I DID!!! I was so excited cuz it was good dream too--we were out at the lake feeding the ducks and geese. :) It felt so real when I woke up I asked the nurse where you were! lol she just smile and asked "whos that hun?" lol

Nervous and Sparkly

One more day of work then surgery Monday, I'm starting to feel nervous...I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to feel right now I guess...I guess I'll figure it out soon...

In other news I feel kinda sparkly inside and I can't wait to go to the Fair!

Thank you GOD!

Mama was right when she said to just trust that He would bless immediately when I ask for the right things and do what He says! I got a 92 on my mid-term, I'm headed to work and I'm so full of joy I could burst! i'll be sure to pass this feeling on to all my customers today :)

Exam in the Morning!

Yay! I have a mid-term in the morning at then I go straight to work from there! Wish me luck in both places! I'm hoping for an A on the mid-term and a high productivity rate at work! For now, I'm going to listen to my new theme song--under wraps and TOP SECRET :) one more time and its off to bed for me! Super excited! Is it the last of the cold medicine that's got me feeling this way or something else? lol

;) :D :)

One of the biggest smiles on my face I've had in a while, thanks :) Well, its a little pale and sickly but thats cuz I'm, umm, pale and sickly at the moment...lol

Oh no!

I despise being in contact with more than 700 people every week...germs spread and apparently I'm the home of choice to the cold virus. This is like the 3rd of of this year! Stupid people and they're stupid germs sticking to they're stupid money and they're stupid hands touching my hands to buy they're stupid groceries... I don't like being sick!!!! I really hope its the flu so it can be over with in three days...colds take FOREVER to go away.....

Whatever, I only have one more week of work before I take a forced break via surgery and post-op bed rest. I just hope I'm not contagious on the 16th :)

Sleep Deprivation

Went to see Up at the dollar-fifty with Lena, very awesome movie, lots of adventure and fun and even a couple
"scares"...lots of life lessons too. I'm keeping myself awake for what reason I'm not sure; I think I'm still getting back used to being actually able to sleep and be rested in the morning...

 Events of the last 48 hours or so: Decided to leave T-mobile the heck alone and get US Cellular, so new blackberry yay!!! and it works EVERYWHERE in the house! hehehe. Left the cell phone store, got in the car and drove about 20 feet and my MUFFLER FELL THE FREAK OFF! $80 gone, just like that...had to get it welded back on, but of course not before leaving it overnight in a Wal-mart parking lot since I couldn't drive it til this morning when the aid of a coat hanger came to my temporary rescue. After the muffler the rest of the day kind of grinded itself to a screeching halt when I realized not only do I not have ANY  phone contacts anymore thanks to T-mobile, someone doesn't have MY number because of miscommunication. So what could have been a fun and/or relaxing day turned out to be a money draining boring day where the only high points were 1) I don't have to bother with the pink folks at tmobile anymore and 2) I really did thorougly enjoy the movie Up. Oh well, all in all, I've got my health, I've got my girls, and I've got my blessings, today was a good enough day. I will be focusing on making tomorrow a better one though.

Perfect Timing?

I think it is. It has to be, its easier said than done but prioritizing is the only thing left, everything else is actually falling into place and so fast its scary...

I went to the gym

It was fun and productive and I should probably keep it up, who's up for some cold weather tennis?!?!

Photo

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No I'm not ok! but of course I'm going to tell you that I am, you're the reason I'm NOT ok!

Bleh

No work tomorrow so I'm awake for no reason...bleh.

And my fish is now mateless, like me.

Limbo?

I could be better, I could be worse. I guess this is what its like to feel numb inside. I want my nerve endings back again! I keep trying to find them and to no avail...State Fair, Thanksgiving, birthday..., Christmas, New Years, birthday...

There are no emoticons that express how I feel right now

We broke up. I didn't want to but it made sense, so I had to. And thats that.

I'll call you Ramone...

I have GOT to start going to sleep at a reasonable time and waking up on the mornings that I don't have to work...Matilda is a wonderful movie and its on abc family right now.  I had a dream that Rick and I were cooking and he said something awesome but I can't remember what it was! I wish there was some way to record dreams while they're happening...or I wish I could write in my sleep...that would be cool.

Text from Mom

Her exact words: Ur a pickleheaded puddin thatll turn to a zuchini burger on the 12th of October.

Mindless Rambling

I don't feel like a vampire should be playing football but I guess its ok since Edward played baseball...maybe that makes sense...whatever. I need a study partner or someone who just has nothing better to do but listen to why and how lens theory and dispensing works...Whats up with these non-teenagers always playing high school students in high drama tv shows? Well I guess scrawny pimple-faced 17-year-old's wouldn't be that interesting or enticing to watch lol

Oh well, Thats all for now.